I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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