I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
be right there i have to get my cape
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
