Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
