I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
