I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
