i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Randomize
