You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
