Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There's always time for handjobs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
