Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
