My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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