my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
