yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
