The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize