If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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