me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
