i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
