WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
