Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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