u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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