Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
