I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize