im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
