I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
