I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
