they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize