I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
