so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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