I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize