Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
