Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Randomize
