I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
