took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
