the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize