eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
