tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
