The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
