Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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