I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
