It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
