id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
