My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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