I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
