I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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