so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
