Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
