my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
