How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
