oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
