Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
