a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
