You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize