Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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