Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
