you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
