fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
