He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
