I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I came so hard my ears popped.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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