I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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