matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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