youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
