Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
