Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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