apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I need water and some morals
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
