Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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