I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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