Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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