I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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