Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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