i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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