I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize