new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
