you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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